Finding Authentic Power - How to Overcome Feelings of Powerlessness
What will you do with you?
(Listen here!)
Feeling powerlessness hurts. Depression, sickness and apathy, feeling stuck and feeling hopeless.
When we feel this way, what can be done to alleviate the suffering? Feeling powerless is a state of being that can be completely debilitating, heightened in times when we very well might need to get up and act the most.
Hopefully, the following is useful in helping you to find a path forward.
My discipline is Transpersonal psychotherapy. A core tenant within this is the understanding that our essence as innate, intrinsic, and universal. The understanding is that we are all born worthy, whole and equally deserving of love and safety. We all have a powerful part of us that is simply unique, precious and pure, and the most distilled, potent, true ‘thing’ that we each possess. We might refer to it as our “Essence”, ‘The Self’, our ‘Core’, ‘Soul’, ‘Higher Self’ or ‘Spirit’. (I use these terms interchangeably, and invite you to choose the term that resonates). This idea is simple, and easy to dismiss as gloopy and pseudo-spiritual. I get it. But if you too sit and talk with people in the way that I have the honour to do most days, please believe me when I say that many of us live more in shame than we do in love with ourselves.
“The soul is the soul. It evolves, it is that part of us that existed before we were born, and after we die. It is immortal. It is your mothership. If you sail in the way that your soul wants to go, your life fills with meaning and purpose. In this span between birth and death, we have this precious opportunity to walk the earth, what will you do with you? “ - Gary Zukav
Shame and trauma might disconnect us from our Essence - but it is crucial to remember that it is never gone. This ‘thing’ is our blueprint, and the stuff of mystery. It is very important to distinguish and understand. Instead of thinking it into existence, try to experience it- ‘when am I most in harmony with myself?’ is a good first question. What am I doing or not doing? Who am I with? How am I feeling? What are the quality of my thoughts?
We naturally develop other parts too, that are called ‘sub-personalities’ or ‘protectors’. These are also important, because they work hard at keeping our more vulnerable parts safe. Very hard. Too hard, often. If we forget our Essence as powerful and worthy, we might get trapped living in our ‘protector’ parts instead. Am I always in control? Am I always anxious? Am I always critical of myself? Is life always just happening to me?
Entertain the possibility that instead, we are a powerful, compassionate, loving, capable, worthy and creative spirits. Try it on for size. How does it make you feel?
If you find that it does not fit comfortably, there may be a distance between who you think you are vs what you do and how you behave. Consider that this distance is the one you have to travel. Working with this incongruence becomes the new curriculum, and it becomes our life’s work to close the gap. Evaluate: how different are my thoughts, actions and behaviours from the best, truest version of myself? Are there major differences between what I do and how I feel inside? Where are the large gaps? What part of myself do I really keep hidden?
The gap is where the pain lives. The wider the canyon, the greater the pain. This gap represents a division between what we are doing/saying with what we are thinking/feeling/wanting. When we feel that we are ‘faking it’ for too long, the sacrifice of this bargain begins to eat away at our vitality.
We suffer because our soul feels the pain of not being in alignment, and we spend a lot of energy pretending or masking it. We suffer because our one precious life is not being lived in a way that feels authentic to us. If our’ doing’ self and our ‘being’ self are mismatched, we slowly, painfully deflate. This is a message from the psyche that change is needed.
Powerlessness stems from feeling unworthy, feeling unlovable, feeling that you are intrinsically flawed, defective, broken, strange, and if people could see you the way you really are, they would want nothing to do with you. This is a human condition of shame. A human experience. It is common. You may even believe it all to be true (It is not true, shame lies).
These defensive parts may work overtime to control and manipulate others around you, by maintaining an image or a persona. It may show up in the ego as grandiosity or as self depreciation (both sides leeching energy). However, when you get in tune with your sixth sense, the sense that identifies the existence of your soul, - hey, lucky you, your spiritual work now begins.
It is crucial to understand that this new discovery of having a soul and sensing it does not make us immediately less angry, more patient, more giving or more kind. It does not make us more perfect, superior or pure. It just makes us more aware. There is still a lot of work to do. Acceptance of this can cause deep emotions to emerge. You might have to face some very painful and uncomfortable truths about the life you have been living. (This could be a good time to get support for yourself)
So, how does one begin to harness power when feeling powerless? Four main things are required:
Find authenticity
Take responsibility
Focus on action
Live with intention
Where to start?
You must find the parts of your personality that don’t want to change
The Jealous One, the Rager, the Addict, the Drinker, the Victim, the Controller, the Fixer, The Deflector, The Rescuer, The Good Girl, The Bad Boy, The Clown, The Perfectionist, the People Pleaser, the Inner Critic- all of your very protective and habitual parts, are committed to keeping you exactly where you are. You need to become very familiar with them. Learn to recognize them. Learn to feel them, listen to them, and distinguish them as mere parts of you. Learn how to feel them and validate them, love them, and also learn how to not act on them. Learn how to un-blend them from your Essence. These parts are usually very afraid, young, and want to be heard before they will transform (IFS therapy is great for this type of exploration). Where did they come from and how do they serve you? Does this make sense, given your life story? (Spoiler: the answer is yes). Can you help them see that there is another loving and whole trustworthy being in charge?
Being able to distinguish between the love and fear within yourself is very important. All of our emotions exist on the spectrum of love and fear. Think about different emotions that you tend to experience, and try and place them on this spectrum. If pure love was on one end, and pure terror being on the other - where do your familiar emotions fall? Annoyance, resentment, frustration, arrogance, shame, insecurity, depression, anxiety, nostalgia, inertia, depression, addiction, numbness, defensiveness, laziness, stuckness, powerlessness - what end of the spectrum are you living most of your days?
If you begin to slowly move the dial more towards love, you might notice a shift. This doesn’t have to be perfect. Sometimes it is a matter of choosing just to NOT act. For example, to not judge or be unkind. Sometimes the most loving response is saying nothing at all. If you begin to choose the compassionate, creative, powerful, curious, effective, playful and loving options, this can help you feel more neutral and open. This leads to greater control of your emotional state, and also creates more feelings of options in how you think, feel, respond to things. And what are options? Options are power!
Authentic people are still flawed and imperfect. It is important that you remember this. This is not an exercise of being a perfect version of yourself. This is an exercise of being honest and real. People are not drawn to others that are perfect anyway. They are drawn to those who are imperfect, but honest and safe, kind, funny or interesting. They are drawn to people that love and respect themselves. Think about it: perfection in others is actually quite unnerving. When you are authentic, you encourage others to show up with their authenticity too. This deepens our connection and intimacy. It is not that confident and authentic people never screw up and get it wrong, it is that they forgive themselves, learn, and move on (without tearing themselves down). They trust themselves.
The Essence just ‘is’ - it is innately worthy of love, respect and dignity and does not require that we strive to prove it is so. No one is better or worse than anyone else. We all have an equal life force. Anything inside of you that tells you otherwise is probably a scared ‘part’ that is speaking up.
Learn to look for the gaps between the feeling and the reacting. Take more responsibility
The time between birth and death is all a learning experience. It is a real time, multimedia, surround sound, full colour cast of billions, that eventually provides you with every situation and circumstance, given the wisdom of your choices. Nothing is out of order- but it is not as though it is predestined. You make choices. You need to make responsible choices. A responsible choice is the choice in which you are willing to accept the consequences. Every choice you make is going to have a consequences. You will encounter it whether you are willing to see it or not. So when you make that choice consciously, you create your future more consciously.
Look for the gaps of time between feeling and responding. This is where you can find more choice. Allow yourselves more time to consider your responses, even if it is an extra 30 seconds. Can you choose a more loving response, versus a fearful one?
When we feel like we are in charge of creating our lives and creating our inner experiences, we feel powerful. I feel self pity - and then I choose to ‘indulge’, I feel insecure, and I then choose to ‘gossip’. I feel scared, and I choose to ‘‘avoid’ or ‘control’ or ‘manipulate’. These are the actions that follow the feelings, and we need to become aware of the impact of these choices. We can’t really control the emotions, as they are human and allowed, but we can control the actions that follow to be more helpful and loving.
An intention is a quality of consciousness you prescribe onto your deed or words, choose it wisely
This is the heart of creating authentic power. What needs to happen, in order for something to feel genuine? Generally, having the courage to say “yes” or “no”, and only giving as much of yourself as you can while remaining engaged and fully present. Practice making your ‘yes-es’ real yes!-es, and your no’s real no’s. When you show up, actually show up. Commit to this, and see if you start to feel more powerful (ahem! boundaries)
Intention is one of cause and effect. The intention is the cause. The intention will ultimately determine the outcome of a situation. You cannot separate the cause from the effect. Even if you don’t know what the intention is, be aware that there still is one. Practice making this more conscious. A blind intention can still create the effect. But you no longer have as much power if you have not considered it.
The choice of intention is a fundamental creative act. Ask everyone to believe that they are creative spirits- and that you are all co-creating your life with the universe. You are also an aware creator, not more powerful, but more able to use your capacity in a loving way. When you are not aware of what your intention is- you are probably creating with fear, or at the very least, leaving it up to chance. When you are aware- you have the power to choose- do I want to create with an intention of fear, or of love? You have choices. All choices have consequences. Use them wisely.
An outward tension can be a motivating force- but your intention and thus result, is the bedrock bottom, real intention. It is the energy behind the motivation that is going to determine the effect. For example: “I want to get a Ph.D”. What is the motivation behind the intention? Is it: “I want to get a PhD to prove to others that I am not a failure?” or is it: “I want to get a PhD because I am passionate about this field, and seek to know it on the highest level”? The longevity of happiness and satisfaction at the end of the road will come down to the motive and underlying belief.
A personality has a lot of parts- some are dark and some are light. And they all hurt, when you really experience them. The compulsive, addictive, obsessive, painful action or word is an attempt in that moment to mask that pain. It can be over-eating, lashing out, drinking, drugs, anger, avoidance, complaining, arguing etc. The true healing work is allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel, and to take care of yourself in a loving way.
The feelings that hurt: when you act on them, they create destructive consequences. Those parts of ourself that reach out and get something to sooth something else, are generally avoiding experiencing the true feelings. They are therefore living in-authentically. They are usually acting in fear, which will result in only temporary relief, not joy. For example, buying a bigger house that you cannot afford in order to prove to your parents that you are a ‘success’ will make you miserable in the long run. Or turning towards addictive substances to avoid sitting with yourself, leads you further and further from your true self. If you act out of fear, you’ll continue to feel powerless over your life. You will continue to doubt your true worth. And besides that, the benchmark will always move.
Action - Choose the other thing, and see what happens
Start to pay attention to the habitual actions that follow difficult feelings. I might feel sad, but do I wallow? I might feel angry, but do I blame and shame? I might feel guilty, but do I lie? Look at the action words: wallow, blame, lie - these actions are choices, while the feelings are not. Your power lies in choosing a more loving action. Growth happens in these spaces. This might be very uncomfortable. Do it anyway.
The point comes when you must open up and surrender to yourself. And when you do, change is finally possible. It is this transformative change that re-arranges you, and in the process we become less afraid, and therefore more powerful.
Take responsibility of your own life - you only have one
To recap: firstly, go inside. Develop your emotional awareness and connect to your essence. Second step: notice the gap between impulse and action. Into that space, inject and breathe consciousness. There you have choice. There you have power. Reach for the most loving action in that moment. Choice by choice by choice. This is the journey. It is not an event. This is slow, conscious action in the moment. It is creating better choices moment by moment, and coming closer to the greatest expression of yourself.
Become aware of all of the parts of your personality that don’t thrive on love. Choose the other. Denial is easy. It is painful to be aware of the impulses and the intentions behind our reactions, but it is not as painful as the consequences you have created due to anger, power struggles and fear. People in denial will continue to struggle. You can’t change what you don’t admit. Understand that humans cannot outrun pain. It will find all of us. But we can decide how much and how long we suffer, by the actions that we chose.
The choice of intention is the fundamental creative act- it brings energy into form- and creates matter. Love is alchemy, romance is transformation. A useful thing to think about is: what is romance? Romance is intention, it is transforming something ordinary into something special, something meaningful. It is injecting love into the moment. How can I romance myself, or romance my future? Or romance this situation? This is true magic.
Take responsibility for your actions. Being authentic often takes making some very difficult decisions.
The soul/spirit is the part of you that is the highest and most noble part of yourself that you can reach for. It can never die. All souls have the capacity to be great souls. Our job is to align our personality with our souls, by becoming the personality that has the same intentions of the soul through harmony, cooperation, reverence, respect, courage and love. Find your art. Live your art. Love your art. Your life is your art.
“While we are here, the purpose is to do this (become multi-sensory). Then, the intentions of the soul should flow through you- you cannot tell where the personality ends, and the soul begins. This is the whole being. You are the energy of your soul. This is your Higher Self. “ - Gary Zukav
(Quantum Physics - are we recreating the reality that we’re experimenting with? Gary Zukav wrote a book to share these wonderful fascinating remarkable things: ‘The Seat of the Soul’- A lot of these ideas on ‘Authentic Power’ are inspired by him and this book)
Stay curious!
Madeleine