Many people complain to me that they ‘just can’t stop thinking’ or that they are chronic ‘over-thinkers’. They feel exhausted by this behaviour, and don’t know how to stop. “I just can’t turn it off"“. The details of their favourite stories are often painful and well rehearsed. It keeps us in our heads, and disconnected from our bodies.
Our inherently meaning-making brain is wired to make sense of things. However, painful, emotional and irrational situations often don’t make a lot of logical sense. Storytelling is one way that the mind attempts to categorize something that feels confusing, in order to avoid it in the future. The issue is that we might fill in the blanks, and make assumptions if we don’t have all of the information. These blank spaces leave ample room for our bigger fears to creep in. We create stories that are painful, that play out again and again. Or, in order to make sense of it, we might blame ourselves instead.
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Here are a few things that might help with this self-limiting habit: First of all, you need to get out of the details. Tell yourself this: “I already know the details of this, and no new information is coming to me at this point”. Staying stuck in the details stops us from processing the deeper emotions. Likely, this information is not new, and spending too much time pouring over the details keeps us stuck in our suffering.
As with any great storytelling, elements tend to get exaggerated the more times we tell it. I call this the ‘barefoot in the snow’ phenomenon. The more time we tell a story, the challenges tend to inflate (“I walked 10/20/30 miles to school barefoot in the snow!”). You need to stop yourself from doing this. Likely, you’ve already told yourself this same story hundreds, maybe thousands of times. In order to stop overthinking, we need to be aware of our over-indulging in the story of it, and get into the feeling of it instead. Go inward. How are you really feeling, in your body? Can you sit with the uncomfortable feelings, rather than indulging in the narrative for a little while?
Ask yourself: “What is causing me to have such a strong reaction to this?” Get curious about which of your triggers this is activating (for example: this is triggering my ‘fear of abandonment’ or my ‘fear of failure’). Ask: “have I ever felt this way before? What happened then?” “Does this make sense to me that this is a trigger, based on what I’ve been through?”
One way we defend against feeling more deeply is by hooking back into the story. Our storytelling is sometimes an aversion to our own discomfort. This is actually avoidance. Come back. Feel it.
Notice the “Meaning-Making” you’re attaching to something. If your mind is churning on a story, or if the clarity is not readily available- you are probably are making meaning. It’s ok, this is what our brain does naturally. It is a way of surviving. However, we often fill in ‘unknowns’ with scary or hurtful things, that leave us feeling worse. Does this hurt? Yes. Will I ever know exactly why it happened? Maybe not. Did I deserve it? No.
We work really hard to find the bad guy. We make the other person or ourselves wrong. We feel the need to identify a clear perpetrator. This is a defence mechanism that can really prolong our suffering. Even if they are wrong. We already know it. We don’t need to keep on proving it, again and again.
Ask yourself: "is it possible that I just don’t know why? And I might never know? Can I be ok with this?” Get more comfortable with the ambiguity, and trust yourself that you have the skills to figure things out AS THEY BECOME MORE CLEAR, and not before. (If you struggle with ambiguity, a great resource is the book ‘Needing to Know for Sure’ by Seif and Winston)
Ask yourself: “What about this is so provocative?” Usually this is a feeling state. Ask yourself: “Can I meet this feeling state with a direct acceptance?” (Note: that in the safeguarding against the feelings it is likely that our Protector Parts will show up, meaning that we are likely to jump back into the old narrative here- and we may feel we need to the complain /indulge even more. Understand that you might have an Avoider Part that loves to stay in the story, or a Victim part that really holds on. It’s ok, these parts are not bad, they are just trying to protect you)
Beliefs such as: “I cannot manage my own feelings until the other person engages with me!” will keep you stuck. In reality, this is giving the other person tremendous power over your feelings and your process. How another person shows up for us is beyond our control. What we need to do is empower ourselves first. “I need to work with this difficult feeling, with or without this person’s input”. This brings us out of our ‘Victim’ parts and into ‘Survivor’ parts. This is a crucial first step in freeing yourself up. Come back into to You. Take responsibility, and sit with the sensations of the feelings, not the story.
Over-identifying with the narrative can easily begin to distort reality- this is important to notice, because we start telling the story we want to hear- if someone was hurtful or unkind, if we obsess over this- this unhelpful, unkind interaction quickly turns into “this person is evil”, or reversely “I am a total failure, I deserve this, I’m unlovable”. We tend to exaggerate emotional events (again, the walking barefoot in the snow phenomenon). If we then add a layer of blame on top of each go-around, the story calcifies (gets harder) in our psyche. We might end up victimising ourselves all over again, and staying stuck there.
A story that is designed to collect evidence to prove us ‘right’ is formed. These judgements may be about ourself, and/or the other. “A + B +C = therefore”. If you look at the story, ask yourself: “what additional judgement am I layering on top of the experience?”. Pay special attention to the ‘therefore’ conclusions, as this will give you some clues about your personal brand of meaning-making. Keep going along this thread of meaning-making by asking yourself “….which means?” after each statement. For example: this person was unfaithful “…and it means….that I don’t matter, …which means… that I’m rejected… which means… that I will never be loved…. which means….I am unloveable’. At the end of the questioning lies the meaning making driver, often a great subconscious fear. It is the concluding meaning that provokes a more profound discomfort. A fear we may have been carrying for a long time, usually long before this particular ‘incident’ or event occurred.
So, the storytelling creates a feeling state of panic, where our deep fears seem to be confirmed. If you return to the story and your brain is focused on repeating it, you are fuelling your own panic. This is how one could stay for hours, days, weeks or years in one place, held on by this mind.
The body sensation of the fear are real. Your thoughts are very powerful, and can affect your physiology. The storytelling is keeping you stuck in anxiety. This is why it is so important to begin to question your own stories, and be very honest with yourself. It is time to ‘play with’ some counter-evidence, that might have been forgotten or discounted. Consider some things that disprove your core belief. We can become addicted to this emotional cycle, because it is familiar. We might not even question it.
Changing your relationship to your emotions and becoming aware of your storytelling can change your life.
To recap:
Embrace the FEELING, accept it, and surrender without judgement. We don’t need to argue with ourself, or to prove the feeling as right/wrong, good/bad anymore. These feelings are simply uncomfortable, and nothing more. Try exhaling into it. Say to yourself: “Ok, so this is where I am at, today”. The idea is to create a break from the story. We take a break, we drop that agenda, and exhale into the feeling of where we are at in this moment. It is crucial to remember that our bodies contain wisdom. Our bodies are not manipulative the way that our minds are. “Can I let this information come from the bottom up, instead of from the top down?”
Breath. Be sad. Be crushed. Be furious. Label the feeling: “this is my sadness”. Invite the sadness in, without attaching meaning to the sadness. Grieve. Mourn. The sadness IS real and valid, but the story is not important anymore.
The story is over. It doesn’t matter anymore. Do not involve the other person in your sadness anymore. Own it. It is yours now. You alone are responsible for processing it.
Nurture it: Ask Yourself: “In this place, what do I need?” How can I help the sadness? What does the sadness need?”. This question activates grief. Grief is also a vehicle- our psyche uses it to help us process overwhelming emotions- there is a healing component to take care of yourself, in the grief process. Acceptance for what is. Not what it could be.
What is underneath the story of what is happening? This question might follow with some more sadness, or tears- which can mean a sense of coming into our body and into our awareness- notice some distance to the story- see if the space allows you to be not quite as ‘hooked in’. Take a break, take a breath- and drop back into “what is happening again, right now?” and see if you can practice interrupting the churning storyline of the mind. You may need to do this multiple times.
Be patient. It is a skill. It is never too late to learn a new skill! Breathe, surrender, and attune to the deeper meaning. Accept the feeling. Offer self some comfort, kindness, compassion to the feeling. This is a committed discipline. Set your intention. Provide some needed gentleness. Forgive yourself, or the other, if able to (remember, forgiveness is an act, not a feeling. Forgiveness is very different from condoning, or agreeing with something, but it is needed in order to move forward. Forgiveness is a selfish act, in the best way). Good resource: Tara Brach books ‘Radical Acceptance’ or ‘Radical Compassion’
Surrender. Feel the feeling, but pull out of the story. And remember, we all make mistakes. True growth lies in finding some greater lesson, learning, meaning, or hope within our pain, matched with a healthy dose of self compassion.
In conclusion: recognise your storytelling. Get out of the details and into the feelings. Take responsibility for processing your own emotions. Read between the lines of the story, and identify the deeper fear there. Spend some time feeling it, rather than avoiding it. Have compassion for yourself. Forgive yourself. Move forward with a less painful story.
Recovery lies in the paradox in finding comfort in the discomfort. Hold the truth that you matter, even when you feel that you don’t. That feeling comes and goes, but the underlying truth is “I am ok with myself”.
Stay curious everyone!
Madeleine