Self Trust (Part 4): Radical Acceptance and the Paradox of Change
"What You Resist, Persists"
Propping up artifice and calling it alive. Winning gold in the uneven bars of World-Class-mental-gymnastics, digging in our heels, burying our heads in sand, or simply trying everything we can to make the impossible fit. One can only ‘Bernie’ things around for so long, before the unravelling begins, and our vital energy is left exhausted.
As painful as it is to admit, we cannot actually control most things. (Basically, we can mostly just control our own inner world and the actions that we take). Phenomena such as endings, conclusions or losses are a part of what it means to be alive and human. And what’s worse, is that endings, conclusions and losses are very painful things that we may not agree with or consent to. We may rile up, fight, battle and protest them, with all of our being. Sometimes accepting the reality of certain painful events feels impossible, simply because: THEY DON’T MAKE ANY FREAKING SENSE (feel free to substitute with a favourite curse word). Life just isn’t fair. There is injustice, confusion and trauma that lives and takes ahold of the hearts and minds of many good and honest people. And a bitter fight within remains.
We might resist accepting the truth of something significant, simply because we DO NOT AGREE with it. What I often hear is: “Radical Acceptance means I can’t care anymore, doesn’t it? I can’t imagine just accepting everything, no way”
I usually reply with: “No, it just means that you fully accept the reality of the situation, without illusions of a different outcome” “it also means fully accepting the feelings about it, and fully accepting yourself as you move through them”.
Like forgiveness, acceptance is often conflated with ‘agreeing with’. This is not what is meant by Radical Acceptance at all. Let me explain further:
Non-acceptance keeps us in two places at once (usually the past). Or, it keeps us standing still in one place, unable to move forward, and therefore emotionally suffering. Sadly, the phenomenon of death and endings are a deeper, greater, and more powerful force that extend way beyond what one person can circumnavigate. We simply do not wield that kind of power as human beings. However, mercifully, every death cycle on planet earth leads to the same eventuality: the rebirth of something else.
This statement might sound a bit trite to a listener who is struggling. Too thin. Too common. “Ok, yes, new beginnings and greener pastures and all that” (sigh). The sentiment of “everything happens for a reason” almost never lands in the tender place of solace that the speaker intends, especially when a loved one is in the throws of despair or hopelessness. The ease at which these words tumble out can easily be interpreted as patronising, or simply just way too easy. A platitude that leads the listener to feeling even more alone. However, in our death-phobic Western culture, we tend to fight endings tooth-and-nail. We see it as a personal or moral failure of some sort. Shameful. What is your general relationship with endings and goodbyes?
But we must re-frame.
My favourite psychoanalyst and writer Clarissa Pinkola Estes says:
“The Life/Death/Life nature is a cycle of animation, development, decline, and death that is always followed by re-animation. This cycle affects all physical life and all facets of psychological life. Everything—the sun, novas, and the moon, as well as the affairs of humans and those of the tiniest creatures, cells and atoms alike—have this fluttering, then faltering, then fluttering again” (pg 94 - Women Who Run with the Wolves)
When someone is in a process of a painful or sudden shift in their personal reality, it can be very very difficult to see what the point of it all is. Looking for meaning too soon may add even more pressure to ‘do it right’ (to suffering perfectly?), so be patient.
“But I DON’T WANT something new, I want what I already had!”
It is ok to be angry, hurt, confused, betrayed, lost. This is a normal way to feel if you have been fired, cheated on, or bereaved. However we really suffer when we don’t allow these feelings to be felt, or we don’t accept the full reality of a situation.
What is the feeling that is underneath that statement? Is it hurt, sadness, injustice and grief?
The grief process is needed, and it is here for you. Sit with it. Get into it. Find a witness to your grief. Feel it. Stop the overthinking, and meet the space within to greet to full loss of it. This can take some time. We can suffer longer if we don’t eventually move through the stages of grief, eventually landing on acceptance in some way. Pain is a part of life, while suffering is a bit more optional.
The key is to discern when we are engaging in avoidance (perhaps we are still at the beginning of a process and there is a lot of fear, or there is still a lot of unprocessed material) or perhaps we are engaging in righteous indignation that is keeping the burning suffering alive (now spending too much time in the middle bit). Radical Acceptance usually becomes most helpful towards the middle-to-end phase of this arc. Have we spent enough time being appropriately upset and angry? If the answer is yes (be honest!), perhaps we can envision Radical Acceptance like a chariot that emerges from the ashes, that renews our energy towards the finish line.
And every ending births a new beginning. When we resist the death process, we also hold the re-birthing process at bay. Stuck. Hurting. Tight. Constipated. As spiritual beings, we are always in process. Are you blocking a process that is trying to happen?
Radical Acceptance is something that can help us eventually face the truth, and be freer. The truth of who we are, the truth of how we feel, the truth of the situation that we face. Even more, it can be the-end-of-the battle. The end of the inner fight. Or the beginning of a healing or recovery process. Radical Acceptance is not ‘I must like this’ or ‘I must agree with this’. It simply means, ‘yes, I accept this as true’. And many things can be true at once. The trust part comes from the wider belief that truth sets us free. (To this day, I have not found evidence that lying, denying or avoiding sets anyone free, at least not for very long) It also means ‘I accept myself and trust in my goodness. I accept myself as an awake awareness that is here, observing this pain and this loss’. ‘I accept myself as whole and complete and enough’
If we no longer identify with the current incarnation of ourselves, we can rapidly lose confidence. Healing means restoring this relationship with our Self, in a way that involves an evolution of some kind. There is often a deep psychological process that is happening as we begin moving though grief, mourning, or letting go. “Can I accept myself as a whole and loving being, who is also deeply wounded?” “Can I examine what parts of this situation that I contributed to?” Traumatic or sudden events, betrayals, major life changes, upsets, abuses can all shatter our sense of Self. Trauma splinters us from our true nature, and we must find ways to recover it.
Father Jung says, ‘keeping secrets cuts us off from the unconscious’. So we must be honest with ourselves, even if the truth hurts, and bring the murky mud up to ground level to be examined. There are likely deeper psychological processes occurring, that can lead to new wisdom and a deeper understanding of ourselves. But we must be patient, willing and open to these nacent understandings.
“The way to change a tragic drama back into a heroic one is to open the secret, speak of it to someone, write another ending, examine one’s part in it and one’s attributes in enduring it. The learnings are equal parts pain and wisdom. The having lived though it is a triumph of the deep and wild spirit” (Estes, 376 ‘Woman Who Run with the Wolves’)
Gabor Mate says of addictions: “the attempt to escape from pain, is what causes more pain”. The task here is to learn how to be with it. Radical Acceptance is a major part of addiction recovery, featuring in the serenity prayer in AA, as well as the popular phrase: “we can’t change what we can’t first accept” (this is in fact, the very first step in the 12 Steps). Is there a substance or behaviour that is causing a problem? We cannot overcome this if we don’t Radically Accept that this is the case. There is almost always a deeper pain that accompanies an addiction. The question then becomes not ‘what is the addiction’ but instead ‘what is the pain?’
I practice Radical Acceptance when my mind is too busy, when I am churning over the same things again and again, or when my heart feels heavy. When I feel anxious or irritated. I sit quietly (usually on the floor), I light a candle, I move into my breath and move my focus into the felt sense of my body. I make an agreement with myself to Radically Accept any feeling that comes forward. I agree with myself to not put a story or a narrative to this feeling. I just say “yes, this too” and allow myself to experience the full feeling. I trust that it will not overwhelm me, and that I can handle it. I remind myself that feelings just are. Feelings are not right or wrong. I allow for complexity and physical pain. I allow the feeling to materialise and give me all of the information it needs to give me. Or, importantly, to arise, be felt, and ultimately to be released. This helps find balance between the mind, body and spirit (you might have to do this quite frequently, if the wound is very deep).
One way to cope while moving through a potential ‘dark night of the soul’ is to lean into the strengths that we still have intact. What in my life IS going ok right now? Is it work, is it fitness? Creativity? Try and focus on what is working for a little while, and keep going. From pain, we hopefully learn important lessons about ourselves that we can carry forward. But we don’t need to abandon our hard won strengths, even when our world crumbles. Use them. Another technique I like is this: writing all my anger and resentments down on a piece of paper, getting them all out for the day. No matter how big or how small. I then rip it up (very important), release it, and meditate on the spaciousness without the anger and resentments for 10-20 minutes. This is known as ‘The Daily Practice’. It can help heal past trauma that might be lurking inside, running the show.
Healing is not about finding a ‘cure’, it is about restoring wholeness. We must Radically Accept ourselves in the truth of who we are now, and not an idealised version we wish we were, or want to become. Our current Self must be accepted. This is crucial. When we practice Radical Acceptance, we are finally ready to put down our bows and arrows. The ones directed outward, the ones directed inward. We stop the battle-mode. This is a massive step that can allow us to rest. We don’t need to fight, prove, argue, defend, judge, shame, over-explain, manipulate, hide, scream and control. It may allow us to just be. Recover. And this is the spot where true change actually happens.
So, where does the Self Trust come in? Trust comes into Radical Acceptance when we trust in ourselves that we can handle the truth. When we trust that there is more peace to be had on the other side of the chasm. When we trust that the immediate crisis is over. We need to use Self Trust when the time comes to discern which phase we are in, and if we are in fact prolonging our own suffering. We need to trust that the paradox of change is real, and that transformation cannot occur until we fully accept the issue. We might need to trust that the ‘silver lining’ may not be immediately obvious, but will reveal itself once we start to heal. We need to trust in ourselves that wisdom and beauty can come from pain and suffering, perhaps in a rather unexpected way. Trust that you will not forget this experience, and by moving on you will not lose the wisdom. You will not repeat the same mistakes. Most importantly, one needs to develop Self Trust because no one can enact positive change within you, apart from you.
To recap, if you’ve been following this series on Self Trust, you will now know that: shame is simply the absence of light, that our Essence is innate, that our birthright is to be safe, whole and loved, and our soul’s purpose is to discover and live in it’s own unique alignment in order to become a more powerful version of what it already is. Now, we must Radically Accept ourselves fully, tend to our wounds, and trust that seed of spirit that is already living inside of us as simply enough. Critically, understanding that “what you resist, persists” (Carl Jung), so this includes being radically honest with yourself, and moving closer to that sticky resistance with love, courage, compassion and curiosity.
The paradox of change is this: when we fully accept the totality of who we are, what we are feeling, and the reality of a situation, only then can the alchemy of change occur, because we cannot fight reality. This is part of what is needed to make space for the NEW to come and find us. You can do it.
Stay curious!
Madeleine
Notes: (The mother of ‘Radical Acceptance’ is Tara Brach, who has a book of this same name. I follow her meditative RAIN sequence for Radical Acceptance, or Anna Runkle at ‘Crappy Childhood Fairy’ - both have lots of amazing work available on Spotify and YouTube, and their own websites and books. Some include guided meditations that can demo this practice. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) both use Radical Acceptance as a core principle for therapy).
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Disclaimer: all of these posts are intended to provide psycho-education, and are not a substitute for therapy. These posts are not inspired or directed at any individual past or present clients, but are created with the collective, in mind and heart.