“There is nothing to fear, but fear itself” the old quote by Franklin Roosevelt carries a new aptitude. With anxiety disorders establishing the frontier of our modern mental health, the unchecked fear-of-fear of which he speaks can wreak fresh havoc in our daily lives and relationships. Do we need to just accept living with anxiety as the norm? Or is there something new that we can understand about it? This article will explore the main human fears that we all share, and how ‘micro-fears’ are generally the ones directing our lives.
One of the worst things about anxiety is that the fears are amorphous, and therefore difficult to problem solve. This leaves us feeling quite powerless, and vulnerable. How do we solve something we don’t really understand? Often, anxiety shows up being not so much a vague fear of the future, as the intense desire to control it.
Sometimes we can feel very alone in our fears, which can exaggerate the dread. (Because, if no one else cares about this, who will?!). Other people may seem to sail on through unfazed, however, there are five common survival fears that human beings all share. Collectively. It can be useful to know that these fears are deep, and natural. Our brains are designed to scan for these main threats (even if our innovations of modern life has largely eliminated them). So, they are understandable and normal.
There are Five Basic Fears, out of which all of our other fears are manufactured.
These are:
Fear of Extinction: this is an existential fear of ceasing to exist. Also known as fear of annihilation. On some levels, it is the basic fear of death. It shows up as the intense rush when we get too close to a cliff’s edge. Or we have a strong fear of heights. Sometimes it shows up in our more dramatic intrusive thoughts.
Fear of Mutilation: the fear of losing any part of our precious bodily structure, or being invaded physically. For example, fear of bugs, snakes or creepy crawlies. Physical boundaries being crossed. Being attacked.
Fear of Loss of Autonomy: fear of being immobilised, paralysed, trapped, imprisoned, claustrophobia, or otherwise controlled by circumstances beyond your control. It can also show up relationally -fear of intimacy, commitment or avoidant attachment.
Fear of Separation: fear of abandonment, rejection, loss of connection, becoming a non-person, not important, being devalued, canceled. Anxious attachment in relationships.
Fear of Ego-death: the fear of humiliation, or any other mechanism of profound personal or public disapproval, deconstruction of one’s own lovability, capability, worthiness. Shame.
Medical experts tell us that the anxious feeling that we get when we’re afraid is nothing more than a biological reaction. Meaning, it is pretty much the same set of body signal that occur whether we are afraid of getting hit by a car, public speaking, or fearing rejection from a lover. However, being in a consistent state of stress can have major health implications (see ‘When the Body Says No’ by Gabor Mate).
Some common emotions we experience, such as jealousy, can also be broken down to their primal fears. Jealousy is basically fear of separation “what if he values her more than me?”. Envy can be broken down to ego-death “what that person has is better than what I have, I must not be worthy”. Embarrassment is fear of separation “what if they find out what I’ve done, and reject me?’ Humiliation is more aligned with ego-death. Fear is often the base emotion on which anger grows. Oppressed people rage against their oppressors, because they are afraid collectively of a loss of autonomy, or even ego death. Those who make us fearful will also make us angry.
Fear, like all other emotions, offers us information. It offers us basic knowledge and understanding - if we choose to accept it. Thinking in these terms, let’s put some common fears into categories: fear of failure = fear of ego-death. Fear of rejection = fear of separation (and maybe also ego-death). Fear of intimacy = fear of a loss of autonomy. Fear of public speaking = also fear of ego-death. Fear of abandonment = fear of separation.
It is important to state that the goal is not to eliminate fear and anxiety all together. This is not realistic, and it should be seen as a normal part of life in the right context (with the explosion in popularity of mental health content on Tik Tok and Instagram, there is worry that Gen Z and younger generations have an idea that ‘perfect’ mental health is the main goal/is attainable, and anything less than that is seen as a failure. Reversely, some are also identifying so proudly with their diagnosis that they are overly attaching to them, and not actually improving. But this is an aside). Used appropriately, anxiety and fear can save your life - the sensations are meant to make you act, move and change! When the threat is over, we are meant to come back to baseline, and ‘close the loop’ of stress (i.e let it go, move through it, discharge it).
Our five main fears have basic survival value, of course. We need them! If we had no ego, we would all walk in front of traffic without a care in the world. Healthy shame gets us dressed before we leave the house. If we didn’t fear separation, we could not maintain community and relationships. If we didn’t fear a loss of autonomy, we would be subject to total manipulation. However, a lot of the time, these fears guide us in limiting ways. Or, they take over our minds and we see threats all around us, and suffer with anxiety.
We might find that a lot of our behaviours are in response to micro-fears (like Roosevelt says). We avoid, evade or control not the actual fear, but the discomfort of the imagined fear. Let’s call this a ‘mirco-fear’ instead. Most avoidance is a reaction of micro fears in action. For example, turning down a new social invitation protects us temporarily from feeling awkward. Avoiding potential romantic relationships protects from an imagined rejection. These are often instant reactions to the imagined threat ahead. The event we are afraid of hasn’t actually been experienced yet. The reaction is to the imagined event, and how awful we think it would be. The reflex reactions to the micro-fears happen quickly, habitually, and because avoidance works (!), we don’t actually experience the full effect of the fear.
By not facing them however, we may find that we are avoiding important things in our lives, and are unconsciously reinforcing and legitmiszing these fears. This can cause the fear to grow bigger and become seemingly insurmountable. The fearful energy around it blooms. I like the acronym of FEAR (easy to remember) That reminds us that fear is irrational. In fact, it is usually just: False - Evidence - Appearing- Real. Creating a story to match the intensity of the sensation is tempting. Allow the sensation to rise and pass, without keeping it alive with added drama. What evidence is missing from this story?
Most of us know, if we’re really honest with ourselves, which certain things we tend to avoid. The acronym above can help us to dismantle some of the ‘story’ we might be telling ourselves about that thing (see my post on ‘Overthinking as Self Harm’ and the power of narratives). Ask yourself: “What category does this particular fear fall into? Does it make sense that I’m avoiding this? Why or why not? Is this situation life-or-death? Or is it imagined? What evidence am I using to legitimize it? What evidence am I conveniently throwing away? Is this getting in the way of things I actually want? Am I confusing feelings with facts?”
When we let go of the notion that fears are ‘evil forces welling up within us’ (a Freudian motif) we can start to think more consciously about them. The more calmly and rationally we can label the fear and its origin, the sooner we can start to face them from a new place of empowerment:
Here’s how:
1. Normalise: first, to understand that they are collective, and common among all humans. We were born with these fears. They are innate. “Which primal fear am I experiencing?”
Let’s not shame ourselves for having some primal human fears. They are here in our bodies and brains for a purpose. Thank our ancestors for surviving this long, in order for us to be here now. Understand that they are collective and natural
2. Contextualise: secondly to understand that they have deep survival messages, that might not be relevant in our particular circumstance. “Is this reaction connected to the here and the now?”
Am I reacting appropriately to what is in front of me, or am I reacting out of habit, storytelling, or past trauma? Am I reacting to this one event, or to the dozens of other times I’ve felt this way? Am I responding to this person, or am I projecting someone else onto them?
3. Empathise: Third, we might not be so unique in our suffering, greater compassion for ourselves and others might be helpful . “I am not alone in fearing this, others fear this too. How have other people overcome this fear? Who would I be, without this fear? Is there a payoff for me to hold onto this fear? Can I talk to someone about this fear, who might understand, or who has overcome it? Am I over-identifying with this fear, and making it ‘me’?”
4. Strategize: It might be useful to spend some more time thinking about big picture wants, needs, values and dreams. For example: “ What do I actually want in life? What are my core values? Who am I, in my truest incarnation? What fears are getting in the way of me realising this for my life? What will I regret, if I only lived this way forever, and nothing changed?”. This will actually give you more of a sense of control in the long run, because you will trust yourself more and build more confidence the more you honour yourself in this way.
To recap: Normalize, Contextualize, Empathize, Strategize
Usurping control is an understandable reaction to the chaotic nature of anxiety. If we feel chaotic inside, it makes sense that attempts at controlling of our outer environment would be mightily tempting. I have a lot of empathy for this. In many ways, maintaining a healthy routine is crucial. However, we need to see when it goes so far as to legitimise our fears as hard truths, and starts to make us rigid. Fear massively constricts and makes life smaller, more contained, easier to manage. Rigidity leads to stuck feelings or stagnation. Think about it this way: if things are too rigid, they tend to crack under pressure. A plant that has a pot that is too small will suffer. More flexibility leads to greater strength and resilience. ‘Be like bamboo’, say the Zen masters.
Choosing trust, love, compassion, courage is infinitely scarier, but exceptionally more expansive. I often invite people to look at things not from a ‘good/bad’ judgement, but a ‘limiting vs. expansive’ perspective. Which feelings more more limiting? More expansive? Which ideas/beliefs/behaviours are more limiting and more expansive? This takes away some of the judgement and suggests that we have more options for spaciousness. Leaving more space to breathe life into, to grow into, is important. Finding some flexibility. Putting yourself in new situations, and to find the challenging edges.
I can hear some distant voices protesting: “Ok, but what about fear of the unknown? What do we do with that?”. Let’s think - what category does this fall into? I would say it is a ‘Loss of Autonomy’ fear. Or, a loss of control. It is so open ended that you might argue that all of them can fit in this category - how overwhelming! This particular fear leads us to want to control everything, even our own discomfort The fact is, we don’t have 100% control of anything. So stop trying. The key is to develop your tolerance for this discomfort. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Control what you can, and let go of the rest. Trust that you’re doing your best. Be ok with the 80% certainty you’ve attained, and stop trying to get to 100%. (The Serenity Prayer might be useful here).
Trust yourself that you have made thousands and thousands of good choices to get this far, and you will likely continue to do so. Build your confidence on the fact that you’re still here. Trust yourself that you can solve problems if and when they occur, rather than before. Allow the opportunity for surprise, spontaneity and creativity. Anxiety is not going to be solved by finding extra control, it is solved by finding more trust.
Basically, when overcoming fear, we are practicing self-induced exposure therapy. Feel the fear, and do it anyway - this is how desensitising, or overcoming our fear works. We cannot eliminate fear from our lives, but we can change the way we interact with it to give it less power. If we can learn to trust ourselves a bit more, it can really help with managing anxiety and living life more fully and with presence.
What small but meaningful risk can you take today?
Reference: ‘The (Only) 5 Fears We All Share” - Karl Albrecht PH.D - Psychology Today (2012)