Self Trust (Part 1): How to Stop Self- Abandoning, and Recover Your Inner Wisdom
In an uncertain world - we need ourselves!
Self Trust - Part 1 `
Indecision, self doubt, resentment, fear, poor judgement - the world that links them all is ‘trust’. Do you question every decision you make? Do you seek council in others, even when you’ve heard enough? Do you capitulate to the needs and wants of others, and feel unseen or unheard in the process? When ‘Self Trust’ comes up in sessions, there is often a considered pause and a raised eyebrow. A moment of recognition, and a request for further explanation. The topic requires ample spaciousness, so I am breaking it down into a three part series. I hope you will follow along! `
(Part 1 covers : Anxiety, Our Essence, Our Protective Parts, Our Inner Child, Holding On to Pain, our Being vs. Doing Self, and some practical tips)
Anxiety is a huge topic in therapy. It is by far the most common reason people seek therapy with me. If you’ve experienced anxiety, you know how awful it can feel mentally, physically and emotionally. One of the (many) reasons general anxiety is increasing is because we are not trusting ourselves to look after difficult things. And, I can’t blame anyone for this. There are many valid reasons why trust is on shaky ground. We are not able to trust in the things that we used to. The major forces that prop up our world such as the media, institutions, governments, corporations and politicians are all being questioned. We know that they are not telling us the truth. We are not trusting images, AI, the climate. We are also losing faith in our bodies, our food and our relationships with each other. This lack of safety leaks into our thoughts, our feelings, the way we see ourselves. However, in the process of critically distancing ourselves from these things, I believe we are abandoning our own inner wisdom in the process.
This can show up as: compulsive reassurance seeking, feeling stuck or stagnant, not taking risks. Negative self talk. Underachieving, overachieving, perfectionism, anxiety, low self esteem, depression and more.
Attempts to define what trust means is challenging in itself, given that it is an important concept we faithfully need to believe in, and, ahem - trust. Trust requires that you simply believe. When we trust other people, we simply believe that they have our best interests in mind, and won’t aim to hurt us. We believe this based on specific evidence that is presented to us. Social etiquette demands publicly that we trust each other at a base level, for example, to stop cars at red lights or to respect our personal space.
This post is not about healing from broken trust, or suffering a major betrayal at the hands of another. This post is about not betraying ourselves. When we lack trust in ourselves, we are not believing that we also have our best intentions in mind. Faith is lost. When we stop having faith in the wisdom and validity of our wholeness, as a worthy and powerful being (or, have never learned how to see ourselves this way), our perspective of the world becomes ever more threatening. We can’t control everything, but we can generally rely on ourselves to: speak to ourselves with kindness, problem solve, take care of ourselves as best we can, heal, grow, make choices that are authentic to our values, create things, find our purpose. If we are not trusting our own abilities, we have usually abdicated this power to others. This can lead to stuckness, resentment, and feeling lost.
If we don’t trust our innate worth and wisdom, our relationships become less satisfying. We might question the people in our lives: “have I made a good choice in choosing you?” “How can you possibly love me? And what does that say about you?” . Our coping skills are less robust “I don’t know how to help myself, what should I do?”. Our secret shame increases”I don’t think I’m good enough”. When we are frightened, our thoughts and our bodies carry a nervous energy that can impact our wellbeing, and the wellbeing of those close to us. We might make poor food choices, or drink too much, or form other addictions. A lack of Self Trust can impact our stress levels, and consequently our overall health.
The reality is, we cannot stop all difficult things from coming our way, but we need to trust ourselves that we can withstand the hard times and not abandon ourselves in the process.
What causes us to mistrust? First, the belief that we are separate from our Essential Self causes us to deeply mistrust. This can happen if we feel ashamed of who we are, deep inside. We might work very hard at creating personas that mask our true selves. The belief in this illusion of separateness allows us to think “I can do anything to you”- without consequence. We can abuse, neglect, reject, ignore ourselves because subconsciously, we have given ourselves permission to do so.
This concept always requires additional explanation. What is an ‘Essential Self?’
Our Essential Self is the part of us that just is. It is different than the parts of us that come on board to survive, and protect that vulnerability. The ‘Essential Self’ is our soul, our spirit, the part of us that mysteriously arrived here on Earth. Our unique consciousness, its an energetic fingerprint that just is. It does not need to be modified or adjusted. In fact, when we deviate too far from our Essence, we really suffer (feeling inauthentic and powerless).
What qualities do you embody, consistently, even in the most difficult times? From birth, what qualities are unique to you? If you’re still having trouble with this concept, think of the people around you - what are their ‘Essences’? (Often, it is much easier to identify in others than in ourselves). Another way to get to this is: ‘Who was I at 4 years old?’. Usually at this age we are pretty open, and have not built up our protective persona’s yet. There can be some good clues here.
Our Essence is inherently mysterious and worthy, just by being here in the first place. Shame, trauma, survival, protection, all create ‘alters’ ‘protective parts’ ‘sub personalities’ that protect this Essential self. We can take shelter and find comfort within these parts, mistaking them for our true personality. We can live whole lives in these parts, often without question. They show up as things like our controlling parts, our dominating parts, our abusive parts, our perfectionist parts, our cynical parts, our people pleasing parts, our addicted parts, our rescuing parts, our victim parts etc. These parts are also natural and needed at times, but they are also not YOU.
The bigger the chasm between our Essence and our Parts, or even more, the distance between our Essence, our Parts and our Addictive Behaviours, the more anxious or depressed or disconnected we tend to feel (see my post on Authentic Power for more on this!). If we lose trust in ourselves, we begin to look elsewhere for safety, love, validation and acceptance. In dark times, a void in this area can feel like life-or-death. While outside connection and acceptance are very important, what we really need to do is create a reliable source for it from the inside that we can lean on.
Frequently, an expectation that someone or something else will save us, rescue us, or otherwise confirm our self worth to us over and over again emerges. A romantic childhood fantasy, perhaps. This is not sustainable. When we indulge (or trust!) in this we are effectively outsourcing our happiness and peace to the unwieldy (untrustworthy!) nature of outside forces and other people. This leads to having even less control, and more anxiety.
To recap:
Learning and believing that you are not separate from your Essential Self is the first step.
Confirming the belief that your Essence is enough is the second.
The third step is to identify any childlike magical-thinking fantasies that you might have, that tell you that someone or something other than you is going to save you , rescue you or take you out of this life and into a perfect one.
Find your Adult Self, and take responsibility for yourself with love and kindness.
Understand that your Essential Self contains the wisdom and desire to guide you to your greatest unique expression and purpose. Start to tune in. This is the dream of the psyche, to express itself in its best possible form (‘best’ here meaning the truest).
The answer to treating anxiety is not finding ever more control. Relief lies in going the other way, by leaning more into Self Trust.
Trauma and our Inner Child:
When our emotional and physical needs are left unmet in childhood, we mistrust. The natural search for understanding, love, attention - can fester and grow into disruptive behavioural patterns that will affect us as adults. Our inner child will act out. Trust might become confusing. We might trust people who do not deserve it, or we might mistrust others who do show up in a healthy way. We also might self-abandon and become people pleasers or co-dependent. Trauma scrambles our perception of trust in ourselves and others. This is absolutely not fair. Children or people who are mistreated, abused, neglected, or traumatised are starting from a place that is a disadvantage in this area, because they did not have the appropriate health and safety that they deserved. It is important to remember that our experiences are what we have, but are not all of who we are. It is critically important to remember that despite this, we still have strength, and the capacity to heal and recover. If you have trauma, try and create space from the story of what happened to you to where you are now. Understand that it is not your fault, it was not fair, and that it does not need to define you. You are so much bigger and more powerful than what has happened to you. What is some evidence of your own strength?
Being vs. Doing
If you would like to foster Self Trust, lean into the being of yourself rather than the doing of yourself. I don’t know who said this originally, but it is repeated a lot in therapy circles: “We are human beings. Not human doings”. If you have grown up in a household that rewarded performance and achievements, your connection to your Essence can become lost. We tend to forget that our being is worthy, with or without certain achievements. Our Essence demands that we just be. Our doing parts are more protective, they perform in order to be accepted. See if you can identify the difference between your being and your doing self. Is your Doing Self hard to satisfy? Is your Being Self struggling to feel like it is enough? (Note: often people say: “I’m afraid of letting go of my Doing Self, what if I do, and then everything falls apart?” and my answer is “You’re not trusting the wisdom of your being self, who also knows and wants the things that are authentic and meaningful to you”
Holding On to Pain:
There is no greater battle than the one we do with the parts of ourselves that want to heal vs. the parts that are comfortable being miserable. Ask yourself: am I holding onto old pain? Is there a version of suffering that I am especially good at? Sometimes we hold onto pain simply because we know it. And to let it go would mean perhaps stepping into something unknown and scary. We may have created a whole identity out of our pain. We might actually be attached to it. However, we tend to forget that often, really good things are scary too. Getting married or starting a business or having a baby are all scary. Putting yourself out there is scary. This is where trust needs to come in.
Ask:
What is the payoff for keeping this pain? Do I get to keep a story/identity/behaviour alive that gives me a payoff?
Is continuing to live this way empowering to me, or am I avoiding stepping into my power?
We are choosing, sometimes without awareness, to give our trust to the same old pain and misery, instead of being open and vulnerable. Being open, vulnerable and loving to yourself and other safe people is how to connect, to heal and to release some shame and suffering.
Trust yourself that you can sit with difficult human emotions. Trust yourself that you can make many many good decisions, if not perfect ones. Trust yourself that you can be sad, disappointed, angry, let down, and you can still be ok. Accept that pain and disappointment are a part of life, and you can’t outsmart life. Struggle and suffering and pain are apart of every human life that can’t be avoided completely. Instead of making it either/or, try both/and. I can hurt AND still be Ok. Be careful not to craft a convincing narrative around your pain and suffering that concludes that you are inferior/untrustworthy/undeserving/not enough (see my post on Overthinking)
Vulnerability is an act of courage, because it requires you to be authentic. Do this with yourself first.
What decisions are you aware of that you are NOT making?
What instinctively do you know if right or true, that you are having trouble admitting to yourself?
When you ask yourself “why do I hang on?” what does your intuition tell you?
We hang on to pain sometimes because we get to control it, or the narrative around it. And we can’t control the unknown.
When you begin to live with more trust and faith, what everyone else says and does becomes less important. The catch here is that you must be willing to stand alone sometimes, and risk upsetting some people that benefit from you staying the same. To learn is to heal, and when you learn something new that is true, you now know it. You can’t ignore it anymore. Therefore, knowledge is power. And you should be a bit scared of this, because it is new and potentially big. That doesn’t mean it is bad, it just means that you might be forced to act.
You can have control, or you can have faith, but you can’t have both. Sometimes we need to let go. The solution is not doing the same mental gymnastics it takes to be even more certain, but to learn to sit with and tolerate the discomfort of some uncertainty.
Become accountable - if you are continuing to do the ‘wrong’ things, think about how you’ve been taught. Sometimes, we are taught by people who might not know better. Release the blame in your heart. If you know better in your heart, and have a sense that something is ‘not quite right’, then you need to start paying closer attention to what you are doing. It is ok to practice some un-doing, and remember that this is not a disloyal act. Rather, it is an act of loving yourself. Boundaries are the distance which makes loving you and loving me at the same time possible. Practice this, and love yourself first. Watch your new world unfold in front of you, and feel proud of yourself for listening to your instincts.
Congratulations, you are now on your way to living more choice-fully and less through old programming! Keep going!
Homework:
One thing you can start doing today to foster Self Trust: make a short list each morning of achievable things you would like to accomplish. For example: read one chapter of a book, walk for 30 minutes, go to the gym, call a family member, take your supplements. It doesn’t matter what the task is - just do it. As you cross the things off your list each day, you are working on honouring yourself and your needs. Your parts will start to trust you more when you have more consistent effort in showing up and completing the task. If you miss a task, do not beat yourself up, just add it to the list the next day. Keep going. Beyond looking after yourself, you are building a practice of self honouring each time you commit and execute.
Things that can help with Self Trust are: meditation, mindfulness, movement, a creative practice, and taking small but meaningful risks more often. Whatever it is - commit to it!
Stay Tuned for Self Trust, Part 2 and 3
Including: Life as a Creative Process - Romancing the Future
Expanding vs. Limiting Beliefs
4 Essential Pillars of Trusts
Our Judgement vs. Our Gut
Anxiety Vs. Intuition
Living Within Your Values
Stay Curious!
Madeleine